Becoming … what?

I don’t know who I am anymore.  In school, I played by the books.  Once I graduated I rebelled in every way I was comfortable with.  I found an amazing man who was willing to go through life’s ups and downs with me; I became ‘Mom’ when we had two beautiful babies.  I’ve been ‘Mom’ for eight years.  More specifically, because child care is expensive and my Epilepsy makes working away from the home difficult, I was ‘Stay at home Mom’.  But how does that work when your kids are out of the house all day with school and other activities?

This past winter my depression and anxiety flared when I had a seizure at home, by myself.  It was the first in a year and a half, which means I’m very lucky to have medication that mostly controls things.  I no longer wanted to leave my house, but even when I did, my anxiety would have me sweating, dizzy and rocking in a corner.  “What if you have a seizure outside?  What if there’s no one around to see you?  What if somebody does see you?”  Some days I would tell myself that these were not good enough reasons to spend the rest of my life inside, but anxiety has a way of being completely irrational, so it didn’t often matter.  Eventually I admitted to my husband that I needed help.

So I went to a free program(thank goodness for Canada’s health programs) and a lovely Psychologist told me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD).  After reading about it, it didn’t come as a surprise.  I would often find myself thinking about hurting myself, consciously(burning or puncturing) or unconsciously(binge eating); I was afraid to be alone(although having a cat that I often talk to means that if I’m home, I’m good); I was often sad or just completely void of feeling and I felt completely without purpose.  I think the numbness was the worst, because it was just a dark void where I was always alone.

Today I really meant to talk about the part where I’m without purpose.  Instead it’s a long ramble, but I’m still new to this.  So where am I headed?  Right now I can’t make myself care.  I just keep trying to trudge through my daily “MUST DO” list(pick up kids from school, make sure everyone has access to food).  If I’m lucky, I’ll put in some laundry or do dishes.  On a good day, I’ll gather up enough info for my social media work que so I can keep my job.  I just try to keep my head above water; try to keep breathing.

If you’re out there, floundering with me, whether your circumstances are the same or completely different … ‘Just keep swimming’.

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